Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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