he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
