Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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