i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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