I think I won the penis lottery.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
