She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
