I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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