i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
