There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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