I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
