it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
