I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
