I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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