He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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