i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
