Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
