then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
