i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
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He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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