Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
