I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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