I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You made out with two different species that night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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