I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
