so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
