Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
