24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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