having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Actions speak louder than pants.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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