weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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