From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
