worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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