i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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