Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
