I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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