is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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