So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
