Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
