FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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