Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My ATM looks so different sober.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
