you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
