i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
