She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
