Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
