i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
