I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
