I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
