I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
