im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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