woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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