i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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