Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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