I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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