i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
