So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
