so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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