Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
