Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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