oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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