rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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