So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
