she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
