Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
