I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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