i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
