I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
