We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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