im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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